Feeling attracted to someone and wondering, “Are they right for me?”
This post will give you actionable relationship advice about how to vet someone, which means figuring out if they are the right partner for you.
I’ve been a Licensed Professional Counselor and relationship expert for over 12 years and my practice is grounded in the science of what makes relationships work.
Today I’ll show you the best way to determine if the person you’re interested in is worth pursuing before you get too far down the road of building a relationship with them. This vital information will stop you from wasting your valuable time on someone with whom you’re never going to be able to build a satisfying long-term committed intimate relationship.
If you liked what you learn from this post today, be sure check out The Power Couple Formula for lots more information about building a great relationship.
What Is Vetting?
So, you’ve met a swoon-worthy guy or girl and you’re thinking this may be the one!
But you need to get to know them better–a lot better– to see if they’re a good candidate.
Vetting means investigating a potential partner carefully to make sure they are the right person for the job!
But how should you go about this?
What’s the information you’re trying to find out about this person?
What should you be looking for?
What are the red flags?
Read on for the answers to these questions and more!
The Distraction Of Attraction
You can have a really great list of all of the qualities that you would like to see in a potential mate.
But the fact is that the part of you that picks the person you are attracted to is not the part of you that makes that very rational, well-thought-out list.
We’ve all been there: Being incredibly attracted to that big, bulging bicep or that booty swaying back and forth. But in that state of mind, we’re not giving much thought to whether this person is really going be a good mate for us in the long-term.
You need to be aware that you’re going be under the sway of those brain drugs that we talked about in the three stages of a relationship. Those are the neurochemicals like dopamine and noradrenaline that tend to overtake you in the very early stages of a relationship when you’re super attracted to somebody.
And the rational part of your mind really isn’t functioning very well.
You need to get some good tools now.
That way, the next time you meet somebody and you’re in that really lusty state, you won’t get completely swept away until you find out who this person is.
Get Clear About The Kind Of Relationship You Want
Many people put a lot of time into thinking about the kind of person that they want to attract for a long-term relationship. And that’s important. You want to think about things like their appearance, what they do for a living, and their personal qualities.
But what you may not have realized is that there’s something even more important than the kind of person you want to attract. And that’s getting clear about the kind of relationship that you’d like to create with that person.
You may not have given much thought to the kind of relationship you’re looking for. Getting clear about this is a great place to start before you vet someone.
Many couples suffer because they never talked about the rules of how they want to relate. They have all kinds of assumptions about what they think their partner should be doing, and how they should be treated.
But they never actually sat down and agreed to those things.
And now each person is expecting their partner to behave a certain way when they never even talked about it.
Before you even get into a relationship with somebody, it’s critical that you have a conversation up front with that person about the kind of relationship you’re looking for.
This can be a really hard thing to do.
You might think that this is going to scare off a potential partner. Maybe you worry that you’re going to come off as needy, or not any fun.
But if that’s really the way that initiating the conversation about the kind of relationship you want to have affects the person you’re on a date with, isn’t it better that you know that now?
Be Upfront With Potential Partners About What’s Important To You
A lot of people especially women, make the mistake of thinking that they should try to conform to what they think a man wants from them. And there’s a lot of dating advice out there that tells women, “Don’t put too much pressure on the guy. Don’t call too much. Make him think that you’re only moderately interested in him, let him come to you. Because you don’t wanna scare him off.”
But there’s a big problem with operating that way. If you’re somebody who actually wants a relationship with a lot of contact, connection and affection, presenting yourself as somebody who doesn’t really want that is going to bite you in the butt.
You might be a person who needs a lot of reassurance that your partner loves you and a lot of affection. If this is you, it’s important that you’re upfront with a potential partner pretty early on about that.
Now, you might worry that that’s going to make you sound needy, but actually, the opposite is true.
Modeling Open Communication Helps You Attract The Right Mate
If you come out proactively and you tell a potential partner about the kind of person you are in a very level-headed sober kind of way, that’s going to make you sound very assertive and self-confident.
It clearly conveys to them that you know yourself.
And that’s a turn on!
The other great thing about doing this is that you’re setting a tone for the kind of relationship you want to have by modeling it. You’re modeling open communication about your needs with that potential partner.
If that person isn’t interested in that kind of relationship, where people talk openly about what they need from each other, then good riddance! Good thing you found out now. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
There are people who are truly interested in having a relationship where they talk very openly about what they need; Where there’s lots of affection; And where reassurance is a good thing, instead of something to be shamed for. Those are the people who you’re going to start to attract.
Talking openly with a potential partner about the kind of relationship you’re interested in building right from the start is going to help you narrow down who the real candidates are for you.
For instance, saying things like, “I want a relationship that’s based on complete honesty between both people. I want a have a relationship where we comfort each other when we’re upset.”
If you start putting ideas out there like that to people, anybody who’s not interested is going to run screaming in the opposite direction.
And that way you know, this is not the right person for you.
Think About The Principles You’d Like Your Relationship To Be Based On
There are plenty of people, both men and women, who really value relationship and want to talk about it right from the beginning. If you’re at the point that you’re looking for a long-term, committed, intimate relationship, it’s important that you reflect on the principles that you would like the relationship to be based on.
Would you like the relationship to be based on things like empathy for each other?
How about fairness?
Being available to each other?
How about making the relationship the number one commitment in both of your lives?
Part of becoming a Power Couple is knowing yourself, what you need in order to feel safe and secure in relationship. You put those things out there right from the beginning, so that there’s no confusion and you can find the perfect match.
Power Couples understand that talking about the kind of relationship they want right from the get-go is more likely to get create the kind of relationship they want. It’s much better than hanging back on the sidelines and not saying anything because you don’t want your partner to think that you have too many needs.
Power Couples have open conversations that are ongoing with each other about the kind of relationship they want. They check in about how they’re doing in following the agreements they’ve made together.
They revisit this conversation in an ongoing way to make sure that nobody feels resentful, or like they’re getting the short end of the stick.
Weed Out Partners Who Aren’t A Good Fit–Right From The Start!
When it comes to dating tips for women or men, having an upfront conversation with a potential mate about the kind of relationship you’re looking for is critical.
That way, you can weed out the people who aren’t interested in building that kind of relationship.
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